Expectantly Living

Where will the Journey of Motherhood take me?

2011-06-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

"Where will the Journey of Motherhood take you and what will the name Mom come to mean to your children?"

This has been a trying week. I am tired, exhausted really.

I feel as if I have entered a new world - as if real parenthood is beginning. I am watching my baby disappear.

Up to this point I have been feeding her, clothing her, loving her, praying over her, etc. But now I am beginning to see my daughter, my Beatrice emerge. This has brought insurmountable joy, but also a sense of sorrow. To realize that she is a sinner, as much as her Mommy and Daddy, is in the strangest way, heartbreaking. To understand that the default position of each of our hearts is to turn away from the very one who created us, deeply saddening.

Motherhood is beginning. I have been weighed down this week with a sense of urgency, and sense of heaviness as I ponder the role I find myself in. What does it mean to instil discipline in my little one? To train her to have self control, patience, kindness, etc? I read this quote recently and found it encouraging. "Discipline is not action taken in moments of correction but an ongoing relationship with... parent and child. Discipline is a process of training and learning that fosters moral development. It comes from the same word as disciple—one who is a learner."

I think that defines the stage we are in right now; perhaps for the rest of my journey. We are learning, both Beatrice and I. I to be the parent, she to be the child.

The next few months promise to be challenging as I meet face to face with my daughter's emerging will. I pray, oh I pray, for wisdom, for patience, for gentleness, and above all, for an eternal perspective.

Beatrice, I love you so my sweet little one. May you continue to bring joy to all you meet. May the Holy Spirit stir in your heart a deep longing for our Father even now as you sleep.

Isn't this a beautiful thought... "The home environment that has a mother preoccupied with heaven as much as earth, is a Mom destined to shape kingdoms."

Here are a few photos from the last month or so, the moments are truly fleeting.

At our first Tea Party in honor of the Royal Wedding.

It was very sunny, but she is still beautiful.

I love her furrowed brow. She has her daddy's expressive eyes.

Some apple on a hot day.

Her first time in a swing...

She loved it!

At the Strawberry Festival... kissing a calf. She adores animals.

Observing the chicks...

Joy through Spinach Basil Pesto with Garlic Tops

2011-06-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

When we were first married I didn't know how to cook at all. I truly mean this. My mother tried for years to instruct, but in my pride, I wouldn't have it.

Over the past four years I have worked hard, with comical failures along the way, and now I can manage. I am so thankful for this. Many of you know how I love to share a meal with family and friends. I believe there is something about food that draws us together, begs us to linger, and soothes our frantic souls. Now that I am able to contribute to that aforementioned food, my joy has doubled.

This past week a dear friend held a birthday party, requesting her guests bring only wine and a favorite appetizer. This pesto is that. It's not always an appetizer, of course, but became one. And one of much talk; seeing as another dear friend had given us garlic tops the day before. You can read about garlic tops here. What fun that this simple food became a conduit of laughter and birthday happiness.

Thank you Kelly for the beautiful photo, now here is my simple version of this classic recipe...

Spinach Basil Pesto with Garlic Tops

Ingredients

3 - 6 cups baby spinach leaves (depending on desired flavor)
3/4 cup fresh basil leaves
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese (freshly grated is best)
2 tablespoons garlic tops, chopped (can substitute 4 cloves chopped garlic)
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil

Directions

Blend 3 cups of the spinach along with basil, Parmesan cheese, garlic tops, salt, pepper, lemon juice, lemon zest, and 2 tablespoons olive oil in a food processor until nearly smooth, scraping the sides of the bowl with a spatula as necessary. Add the remaining spinach and drizzle the remaining olive oil into the mixture while processing until smooth.

Voice: an instrument or medium of expression

2011-05-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling to find my voice. My new voice. My voice as a Mother. I knew myself before. I had learnt of myself as a woman, as a daughter, as a friend, as a student as a wife, as an expectant mother. But who am I now?

This world that I have entered into is beautiful, fascinating, overwhelming and frighting all at once. I feel so naive. So immature. How can I speak with any authority on anything? How did I speak before? I know so little. I am learning. Oh, I am learning so very much. But it all comes so quickly I feel there is hardly a moment to sit and write it down before I am learning something new and of much greater importance.

A mother. Me? A mother is one with wisdom, knowledge and understanding. A mother is one with experience and skill. The precious author, Mike Mason says, "If only I had understood that being a father is not something I needed to become but something I already was... Over time I could grow in maturity as a father, but I would never be more of a father than I was at the outset." I long to grasp this.

Motherhood didn't arrive gradually, like pregnancy. It didn't grow gently and predictably within a span of 40 weeks. No. It came all at once. In one fantastic moment the magnificent burden of motherhood was placed on my shoulders.

Shortly after my last post on Christmas Eve we came to the realization that Beatrice was small, too small. She spit up excessively, not painfully, and mostly with a smile on her face, but the first few months of this year were spent trying to determine the cause. This was so hard for me. My first true challenge in the role of "Mother" and I had no idea what I was doing. I wrestled with God, with all the advice I was given and with my own doubts and insecurities. I didn't feel I was in a place where writing here would benefit anyone.

Nothing at all was wrong with her. We began feeding her vegetables at 4 and 1/2 months. Which broke my heart (I had wanted to wait). But as a dear friend graciously reminded me, "it is not about my desires for her life, but God's." Once she began her solid foods of avocado and sweet potato, the breastmilk stayed down and she began to "look" healthy again. She is still small, but I am learning to smile when people comment on her size, knowing that this is how the Lord made her. She is my "little one".

But what I have struggled with is this. How do I share our struggles and trials without sounding like I ungrateful for what I have been given? And how do I rejoice in the small moments of joy Beatrice shares with us every day without sounding like I am full of pride. The internet can so quickly become a place of comparison, which many mothers (including myself) have said can be such a cause of grief and despair. Wouldn't it defeat the very meaning of my little one's life? She is my "bringer of joy", not sorrow.

So I will continue to struggle; for I have been granted that freedom.

I have not found my voice yet, no, but 4 years after my precious mother's entrance to heaven, I can tell you that I am more grateful than ever for her constant pursuit of wisdom and knowledge. She was not perfect, but she was my mother.

I have been pondering the following two sentences this morning as I seek to parent my every growing little one who will be 8 months tomorrow. I will leave you with them... what a glorious burden indeed. "There are certain virtues worth acquiring, such as kindness, goodness, gentleness, charity, honesty, honor, and respect. Since these qualities are not naturally found in a child's life, they must be instilled and nurtured into his or her heart." -Parenting Author

Come, thou long expected Jesus...

2010-12-24T22:11:00.000-08:00

Never have I felt such expectation for Christmas.

Sitting here in the glow of our tree with my little girl sound asleep in her bed, I remember what it was

like to yearn for her, to long for her, to expect her. How I pray that I can begin to desire my Savior in the

same way.

He came to earth as a baby as small as my Beatrice; as helpless and as fragile. As utterly dependent upon

Mary as Beatrice is upon me. What great condensation. What a miracle. To be so utterly human when

he was so fully God.

I am amazed at the joy my tiny daughter has brought to my soul; shouldn't the Savior of the World

bring me more...

Oh Father, I rejoice on this Christmas Eve that you did indeed come to set your people free.

Come, thou long expected Jesus, 
 born to set thy people free; 
 from our fears and sins release us, 
 let us find our rest in thee.  
 Israel's strength and consolation, 
 hope of all the earth thou art; 
 dear desire of every nation, 
 joy of every longing heart.

Joy Comes in the Morning...

2010-12-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

She will be 12 weeks old on Monday. I simply cannot believe it; she has taught me so much. There haven't been many moments to write, but there have been many moments worth writing about.

We have come a long way since that first month. I am continually amazed at my ability to learn new truths daily. I do believe my greatest lesson since I last wrote has been that I must relinquish control and trust that God will be glorified in my weakness.

I hope to catch up on the last weeks over the next few days, but for now, here are a few photos of our "bringer of joy" in the morning... our favorite time of day.

Thoughts & Photos from Our First 3 Weeks

2010-10-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

On Monday she will be 4 weeks old. My, what lessons I have learned in the first 3 weeks.

Week 1) His grace is sufficient.
The love of friends is miraculous.
In the darkness His truth shines the brightest.
His mercies are new every morning.

Not many people talk about the hormonal ups and downs after birth. No matter how beautiful the delivery, hormones will still adjust and leave an emotional mother in their wake, thank you Leslie for preparing me.
Breastfeeding is beautiful, perfect and wonderful, but it still takes work - hard work. It is more than worth it, but it does not come without determination, and support. Thank you Laurie for your unending education and love.
Functioning on little sleep is almost comical. Eating is crucial, and remembering to nearly impossible. Laundry builds and houses get dirtier faster than ever before. Thank you Kelley for taking better care of the three of us than we ever deserved, we could not have made it without you.

As a new mother I learned more in a 24 hour period than I typically learned in a month. God was faithful to sustain through that first week. I could not have done it without my sisters in Christ who surrounded me, uplifted me, and labored for me. Thank you to each of you for your prayers, time, love, smiles, food, laughter, tea, phone calls, emails, etc. You were truly instruments of His grace.

Week 2) The deeper that I go in the valley, there His glory shines so bright.
               I am blessed with an amazing husband. He is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.
               My own expectations are my worst enemy.
               When friends tell me they take joy in service, I must trust them.

I expected too much of myself. I thought I would be "on top of things" by week two. I thought I could "do it on my own". I was wrong. I needed help. It was so hard to ask for, but the outpouring was beautiful. Through all of this I was reminded of my frailty and His power. I was humbled and encouraged. Without the darkness, I truly would not have seen the beauty that surrounds me.

Week 3) When I am weak, He is strong.
All of creation declares His majesty.
Joy comes in the morning.

The clouds will part and the sun will come out! The beautiful October weather, fresh air and sunshine did wonders for my soul. Walks and coffee are beautiful things, despite "blow-out" diapers and crazy spit-ups. We spent a lovely family day on Saturday the 16th having breakfast crepes at the Community Market and apple doughnuts at Morris Orchard. To me, it signaled the beginning to our new way of living. What craziness, what fun. God is so good.

I love these next photos with all my heart. Thank you Chris and Whitney.

A Glimpse of Her Birth...

2010-10-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

These photos are like precious gems to me. They are all we have and I am glad. This birth was sacred to me and I couldn't be more thankful that my husband was by my side, and not behind the camera.

I vaguely remember him capturing these first three photos as I neared the end of a contraction.

My dear Mauresa photographed these next two images. I love their dream-like quality. That's precious Barbie there in the first image, taking such beautiful care of me and Adam. In the second photo you'll see our silhouettes as I lean on my loving husband.

Adam took these last photos are of our first latch. I love my little curly head girl, and the way my wedding band is slightly in focus. I cannot thank Laurie enough for her excellent coaching at this crucial point. This moment will be with me for ever and ever.

Her Story (Part Two)

2010-10-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

The Birth of Beatrice Elise Barnes

I don't talk much about my birth choices... but before I tell the rest of the story of Beatrice's Birth I must inform you of my decisions. And they are simply that, my decisions. This is not a decision I feel is right for every woman. But it was right for me. My decision is not better than the decisions of other mothers. It was best for me. I do not judge the decisions made by any other mother, I ask that you do the same for me.

We chose to plan a home birth with Certified Professional Midwife, Leslie Payne and Doula, Laurie Flower.

Here is a link to an excellent, albeit a little "new-agey", film, I agree with their final statement. "Accept your responsibility. Find YOUR truth." This is ALL I believe. We as mothers are responsible for seeking out our truth.

OK, I'm off of my soap box. Now onto the story of this precious girl's arrival.

At the end of the last post it was 6:00pm and we had just checked in with our dear friend and Doula, Laurie. I tried my hardest to rest, but quite frankly I had missed my window for resting while I was gallivanting around T.J.Maxx! I attempted to lie down, but found it was more comfortable to pile all six of our pillows into a tower on our bed and rest my head while sitting up.

Adam went downstairs around 6:45pm to make himself a bowl of grits and relax, apparently thinking things were about to slow down. Poor guy. At 7:00pm, right as Extreme Home Makeover was beginning, I believe I experienced my first Active Labor contraction. Sitting was no longer an option, and neither was ignoring these signals from my body. It was time to get to work. I jumped up and let my body move through the intensity, then called downstairs to Adam.

He came bounding up the stairs and I informed him it was time to call Laurie, Barbie, our dear friend and Assistant, and Mauresa. Things had changed and I needed my support.

Laurie said she was on her way, Barbie had just gotten off work (another praise!) and she would be over with a few of my food requests, and Mauresa would be there as soon as possible with the dinner we were to have eaten together in her home at 8:00pm.

I believe at this point Adam brought me one of my birth Cd's, (which I had just made a few days prior), filled with quiet worship music. I changed into my "birth outfit", consisting of my bikini top, a pink jersey dress and a pink headband, (inspired by my friend, Erica).

I must tell you that even though I could acknowledge that things had changed, I truly did not believe I was in Active Labor. I kept thinking that everything would end, that I was making a fool of myself by calling everyone over, and that I would just be changing out of my birth outfit later that evening.

After changing I continued to try and rest in between contractions. I will tell you that I began crying tears of joy. How is it that God could be so gracious. How could my child be coming at this moment? Her father is home, it was a rainy chilly night, everyone was available, my house was clean, everything was in order. I was not deserving of such joy. But she was coming. My bringer of joy was on her way.

Laurie arrived at 7:30pm, I remember her holding me and crying with me. What a miracle. My little girl was coming. She asked Adam to pray over me and over the birth and then it started - I entered "labor land". The following times have only been relayed to me by those in attendance. I literally felt like I was in a land of my own. And what a wonderful place it was!

Laurie worked through a few contractions with me upstairs, but as soon as Mauresa arrived with food, she insisted I head downstairs to eat! I ate Mauresa's delicious soup in the den on my birthing ball, while Laurie kept asking for "carbs" for me.

After eating some soup and bread, I starting working with the stairs - climbing up and down sideways while holding on to the banister, with deep squats on every step. After doing a few sets of singles we switched to two at a time working with the contractions. Laurie suggested we labor in Beatrice's nursery for a little while, using her glider to alleviate some lower back pressure. What a joy it was to be in my soft lit nursery bringing my little girl into the world. Barbie arrived and quickly prepared some wonderful warm compresses for me. I was able to rest my head and arms on the glider and rock back and forth on my knees while Barbie and Laurie applied the compresses. Adam prayed again and I felt surrounded by love and support.

I wanted to start working with my body again. We went out into the hall and this would be the point when my ballet background kicked in; I thought it might, and hoped it would, but I didn't know to what extent. I used a section of wall and did deep grande-plies in second, breathing deeply and working with each contraction. I loved this so much that they suggested I continue what I was doing, but in our shower. We have a wonderful shower with two shower heads, and the lower one can be aimed right on your back.

I entered the shower around 9:00pm and adored it! They brought my music in, lit candles and kept refilling my water bottle again and again. I was never alone, yet I was granted the utmost privacy. I always had a supporter right outside of the shower, they rotated, Laurie, Barbie, Adam, Laurie, Barbie, Adam. They read scripture over me, prayed for me and Beatrice, brought me frozen peppermint compresses (heaven!) and surprised me with a book full of prayers and notes from friends. In between contractions I was able to talk and laugh, and during I was fully engaged in the work of my body. I believe it was at this point that I began to talk to my body and to Beatrice. Don't laugh, but in this deep guttural voice I started saying things such as "down", "open", "good girl, Beatrice", "come on little girl", and so much more. I began using my entire body, not just my legs, but my arms and hands to stretch and almost dance. It helped immensely to keep my body loose and to keep me from tightening anything. I also found my animal moan at this point. I loved hearing it echo on the shower tile, I loved how it reverberated inside me, it felt so wonderful. It reminded me of vocal/acting relaxation exercises.

Leslie, my spectacular midwife was called at some point and arrived around 10:30pm while I was still in the shower. Apparently I was in the shower for a whole 2 hours. I depleted the house of its hot water supply, and still remained in the shower. I vomited up all of my extra large lunch from that afternoon, (again, it felt so wonderful), and still I remained in the shower, I absolutely loved it! Leslie, didn't mind my singing or my shower dancing or my other-worldly birth chants, she just watched me carefully and asked to hear Bea's heartbeat every once and a while. Oh, the heartbeat! Every time she would put the doptone up to my belly and I could hear my little one's strong heartbeat it was as if I was filled with a brand new dose of energy.

Around 11:00pm, they informed me that the den and the birthing tub were ready. They had Adam climb in the shower with me to share a couple of moments with me before we transitioned to the next phase. It was like a dream. He massaged me with organic lavender body wash and told me what a magnificent job I was doing. What a gift.

I remember getting out of the shower and someone wrapping me in a towel. I remember Adam trying to help me down the stairs, but I must have been in the middle of a contraction, because I wanted no assistance.

Then it happened. I walked into my dream come true. For months I had dreamed of this moment, and it was here. I had written a "wish list" for my birth during my fabulous Childbirth Education Classes but never did I imagine it could look so beautiful. There were candles everywhere, the windows were down and the sound of pouring rain and a cold soothing breeze were slipping in, there was a roaring fire in the fireplace (my one request everyone thought was crazy, but it was PERFECT for this cool night), my carefully chosen music filled the air, and surrounding the huge birthing tub were the best support team anyone could ask for. I burst into tears. I couldn't believe that this was the night God had ordained for the birth of my child. This was the night he would temper judgment with mercy.

I climbed into the tub, and after an hour in a cold shower, it felt incredible! I felt so light and buoyant. Everything I had heard about laboring in the water was accurate. I loved it. It did change the feel of labor completely, but with coaching and encouragement I was able to feel the transition and change with it. I continued to move, moan, dance and speak in my low birthing voice. Not once did I feel ridiculous or silly. Everything felt so right. I could feel my body working to deliver my baby, and I wanted to help as much as I could.

At around 1:30am they suggested I get out of the tub and try to use the restroom. I complied, but as I was climbing out a contraction came on, and I had to MOVE! I apparently took off around the house circling and circling the main floor; shaking out my limbs and marching to keep anything from tightening. I must have seen the blinds were all open, and I was appalled! Barbie scrambled to close all of the curtains and out of the corner of my eye I saw her fly across the dining room. I later found out she had tripped over Laurie's suitcase! What dear friends I have. After the contraction came to an end I attempted to use the restroom, but to no avail. Adam told me that they needed me to rest and relax at this point (apparently I was working too hard). They tried to have me lie down, but I despised that position, instead we moved to the den doorway, and while I hung on the door frame, Laurie and Barbie swung my hips from side to side as I moaned, "surrender". (I wish everyone could hear my husband's impression of me at this point.) The doorway failed to let me do what my body wanted, so I grabbed Adam and hung from his neck while continuing the same rocking. This felt so great, and truly helped relieve my lower back pressure.

I climbed back into the tub, and again, things changed. After throwing up again, (my poor helpers - I vaguely remember them scrambling to find something for me to vomit into), there was a moment where I lost my confidence. But with one look into the eyes of my amazing support, and one request that they assure me I could do this, I was back on track. I began chanting my new mantra, of, "I can do this. My body can do this."Adam climbed into the tub with me and in between contractions they had me recline into his arms to rest. Again, it couldn't have been more beautiful.

At 2:40am I had a contraction different than all the ones before and at the end I felt my body pushing. What?! You must remember I had thought earlier that I was only fooling myself, and somehow I still couldn't believe it was true. It felt like only minutes had passed. In astonishment I told Leslie I felt like I needed to push. I knew she was going to tell me I was crazy, so I asked if she needed to check me or something. She told me that there was no need. I had known what my body needed till now, and that Bea's heartbeat was wonderful, so I needed to do what I needed to do.

Pushing naturally isn't really pushing. It's more like falling. There is nothing you can do to stop it. Your body just does it. I hate to compare it to this, but it's truly like vomiting. Your body has such power that you can't resist it. It is impossible to fight against it, and you simply need to relinquish your control and let your body do what it needs to. With every contraction I had 3 or 4 rushes of pushing. I could literally feel her descending. It was magnificent. The pressure was insane and the stretching sensation unlike any other, but all together amazing.

1 or 2 contractions into pushing I felt my water break. What a feeling. It was as if a giant balloon had just burst inside of me. After 5 or 6 contractions I asked Leslie to help me understand where she was in the descent. She described how she was working her way underneath the pubic bone. It felt so right. After 5 or 6 more contractions it was truly time.

With my husband holding and supporting me from behind they coached me into a position where I could use my whole body. With the next contraction she began to crown. The next contraction brought her a little farther. The next contraction even farther. Leslie told me to feel the top of her head and I couldn't believe it. It was such a small portion, what a miracle the overlapping of an infant's skull is. Over the next few contractions the rest of her head began to emerge until I could put my entire hand over the top of her head. AMAZING!! I think that so many talk about this point feeling like a "ring of fire", and a burning sensation. But I truly could only call it stretching, crazy stretching.

Then, at 3:38am, Monday the 27th of September, a day before her due date, there in the birthing tub, it happened. With the next contraction and the 4 rushes that accompanied it I pushed, pushed, pushed and then SHE BURST FORTH!!! All of her! It was if she exploded into this world! No head, and then waiting for the next contraction for her body, no, my precious little one came flying into Leslie's arms.

I couldn't believe it. Here was the child we had labored in prayer for. I couldn't believe it. Here was the child that grew in my womb, that was bringing joy into such darkness. I couldn't believe it.

She was immediately placed in my arms and when I looked up, every eye was full of tears. My husband, her father, was sobbing tears of joy as he held us both. Here she was. I swear I could hear the angels singing, and my mother joining in the chorus! She was so beautiful. My daughter. My Beatrice Elise.

Praise to the Lord
Who o'er all things so wonderfully reigneth
Shelters thee under His wings
Yea, so gladly sustaineth
Hast thou not seen how thy desires e'er have been
Granted in what He ordaineth

1 Samuel 1:26-27 "And she said, “Oh, my lord! As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the Lord. For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him."

Her Story (Part One)

2010-10-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

The Events Preceding the Birth of Beatrice Elise Barnes

What joy has come to our home. What a miracle I have beheld. What glory belongs to my God.

It's hard to know where to begin. So I'll start with the preceding events that make the story of her arrival even more spectacular.

Adam has had weddings scheduled for the weekends surrounding her due date since before her conception. Many have asked us if this frightened us at all, and we have honestly answered, "no." The Lord is fully aware of my husbands profession. We firmly believed that if it was His will that Adam were to be present at Beatrice's birth, he would be there. We prayed daily and daily Adam would lovingly tell Beatrice, "now Beatrice, you need to come when Daddy says to come." And Daddy always "said to come" anytime between September 26th and October 5th, but preferably the earlier the better, so that he could spend as much time with her as possible. Now of course he said this in jest, but just keep this in mind.

Tuesday morning the 21st of September I woke up thinking my water was leaking. It wasn't, but boy did it put me in preparation overdrive. I had always thought that Beatrice would come late, so I was dilly-dallying on the final details. Not after Tuesday. Throughout the week I finished all of my birth projects and then on Saturday, September 25, as Adam shot his final wedding, and motivated by a friend's kind offer to help, I cleaned and organized our little house from top to bottom.

At 5:00pm, that same Saturday, I lost my mucus plug. I called Adam, and left a message informing him there were no contractions accompanying this occurrence, but I wanted him to be aware. I called my Midwife and Doula (yes, it is finally time for you to know the details surrounding this birth), and while they were both excited, we all agreed this meant the baby could come any time - now or later. I kept cleaning.

I finished my last task as Adam walked in the door. He was done and I was done! As we crawled into bed at midnight we both said, "Ok, Beatrice, it's time!"

I began contracting shortly after we went to bed, but this was common for the evenings, and since I had been cleaning so vigorously I was not surprised. Throughout the night as I rose to use the restroom (too many times to count at that point) I noticed they still hadn't stopped, but again, no big deal. At 6am Sunday morning I woke Adam and asked if he would massage my lower back, again, cleaning must have made me sore.

He massaged me for a while and then we got up and prepared for church. I told him I really thought it was nothing, and if it was "something" worshiping would definitely keep my mind off of things. Besides there was a catered lunch we were to attend and I was looking forward to it!

It was a beautiful fall day and I enjoyed layering up in a sweater and boots! We got our Starbucks and met up with friends who were visiting our church. On the way to church Adam asked me to at least text Laurie, my Doula and dear friend, with an update. I obeyed.

I can't tell you how splendid it was to worship my living God, who 9 months ago granted us the desire of our hearts.

I chatted with friends after church, all the while "plie-ing" and moving. Once we were back in the car, Adam insisted I call Leslie, the Midwife, Laurie, and Barbie, friend and Assistant Midwife. I felt ridiculous, again, I just KNEW I wasn't in labor. I left messages with all three and went and joined dear friends over a deliscious lunch! I asked Adam for seconds, thinking that if for some strange reason "this was real" I should eat as much as I could.

Leslie called back and suggested I head home after this lunch and nap. Either I was up for another night of contractions, or active labor was on the horizon. She asked me to stay hydrated, and she was glad I was eating such a large lunch.

I chatted with my dear friend Julie, and at Adam's prompting, finally headed out around 2:30pm.

Instead of going straight home, Adam asked if I would instead enjoy a rainy day drive with the heated seats. We had a few errands to run for the nursery, and I couldn't see why not! We drove to T.J.Maxx and I began to time my contractions on the way. Adam had previously downloaded this nifty Contraction Timing App for his I-Phone, and it was nice to just tap "start" and "stop", and let it do all the recording.

We walked through T.J.Maxx selecting frames for her carousel photos Adam shot in NYC, as I timed contractions and did deep plies when no one was looking.

We drove to Joe Beans (where I got a decaf caramel spice latte) then to Lowes where I sat in the parking lot timing contractions and Adam ran inside. At this point I was noticing that these silly contractions were all roughly 50 - 60 seconds long. Through our excellent childbirth classes I knew that contractions of this length were worth noticing. This frustrated me slightly, and I began to think I was timing them incorrectly. I called Laurie, who was also our childbirth instructor, and left another message.

Once we finally reached the house at 6:00pm Adam and I both spoke to Laurie who told me I was indeed timing correctly and she thought active labor was beginning. WHAT?! She urged me to rest in a completely dark room for an hour and to have Adam call her at 7pm with a status report.

This is where I feel "Part One" ends, and "Part Two" begins.... so I'll leave you in suspense.

Remember, this was Sunday, September 26th. To God be the Glory, GREAT things he has done!

Room Transformation #3 (One step closer)

2010-09-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

I completely forgot that we took these pictures last Sunday... I get to share one additional sneak peek!

Adam deserves such praise for all of his hard work at this stage of the project. I have had a vision in my head of creating a "ledge" out of molding on the one long wall since the beginning of the pregnancy, and on Sunday, he made it happen. I couldn't be more thrilled. Thank you, darling.

I'm not going to go into any of the little details on this post, but you're going to see some of little things we've been working so hard on...

Here is a shot of the room in complete disarray, and me looking very pregnant.

Again. I was so very excited that all the planning was coming together!

Look at that ledge! I'm so excited!

Hopefully we will be able to take the final photos on Sunday. I am hard at work on the last details.

Thank you for sharing in our excitement.

Room Transformation #2

2010-09-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

These photos are from the nursery painting back in August, but they are the in-between, so they deserve to be posted before the finished product photos.

You can get a good idea of the space and the beautiful soft "ballet pink" Adam created especially for his baby girl. We couldn't be happier with the end result.

If you look closely you can see the bedding peeking out from under that sheet... and the amazing chair!

Gorgeous! Barely pink. Soothing, inspiring and just the perfect color for all the art that is now on her walls!

We are putting some last finishing touches on the room before taking the final set of photos... but I promise to have them up as soon as possible.

Oh, sweet girl, we can't wait to meet you.

NYC What is it About You?

2010-09-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

Through a few miraculous events and God's generous provision, at 34 weeks Adam whisked me off on one final trip to New York as just the two of us... There are not many places in the states we love more than the city.

We rode the train there and back and made our only "goal" to expose ourselves to as much art as possible. We rested, ate, walked, visited galleries, and enjoyed a simply exquisite trip together.

Instead of writing about the fabulous time we had, I'll just let the story be told through his photos. Thank you Adam for documenting our trip with such fantastic images. I will forever treasure this trip in my heart.

It was beautiful...

Preparing to become childlike...

2010-09-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

As I near the end of this journey I feel less and less like I am preparing to become a mother and more and more like I am preparing to become childlike.

As Mike Mason says, "Being childlike involves mastering the art, not just of remembering, but of keeping the past so fresh it seems to be one with the present. Children have no past. For them there are no "good old days"; there are only good new days. When things have always been this way there is nothing to which to compare the present. There is no past, there is only now. And 'now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation'" (2 Corinthians 6:2)

I long to see this world for the first time, through her fresh eyes. Again, Mason says, "A baby is fallen and sinful, but she is also more innocent than her parents. Isn't this because babies have been with God more recently than we have? They have just come from beholding his face."Ah, what a glorious thought!

Oh, this is what I desire. To be taught by my daughter. To see her experience the beauty of this world for the first time, again and again with such delight, and yet to know so much more than I.

As we get closer and tasks are getting accomplished, I find myself caring less and less about the "things" to be done and more and more about preparing my heart for her.

So, yes, there will hopefully be a post this week with nursery updates, because it is truly transforming into a joyful yet peaceful sanctuary, and I want you to be able to share in our excitement! Our pastor once said that, "Joy is Peace Dancing & Peace is Joy Resting". This is exactly the type of room we have sought to create, and by the Lord's grace it is coming together.

I am feeling wonderful. Beatrice is growing and growing and I couldn't be more grateful. Her body is almost completely distinguishable from the outside, which is thrilling and comical at the same time.

I told someone today that I am so curious to know her story, or at least it's beginning. The preparations are almost complete, and so now my darling girl, it's up to you. We can't wait to meet you and watch as the Lord writes the story of your life.

My Beatrice, we continue to pray that you will always be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and that you will hear his voice. That you will be confident in the Lord's calling and that you will truly bring joy to all you meet.

I also hope to do one post on our beautiful trip to New York several weeks ago. But here is one photo Adam took for her nursery while we were there...

Photos at 36 Weeks...

2010-09-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

"On our own we are nothing; all light shines through relationships. We cannot obey Jesus' word to be come childlike without loving an actual child. He or she will be our guide into this forgotten land."

Mike Mason - "The Mystery of Children"

A New Perspective...

2010-09-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

Thank you, thank you.

Each of your comments, personal notes, facebook messages, etc. comforted me in ways unimaginable.

Today I am filled with a rest and peace, knowing that I am surrounded by a community of women who have gone before me and who are currently walking this road with me.

I stumbled upon this beautiful song... It delivers the same message many of you so lovingly shared with me.

I can't wait to hold her in my arms. I have a feeling I will say the same words as the artist, "I never knew His love.. Until I knew this love".

Fears and Revelations...

2010-08-31T20:40:00.000-07:00

I have a confession...

I haven't written because I've been afraid of my own expectations... that each blog post must surpass the last. (Which might be physically impossible after my father's letter.) That I must be thoughtful, and reflective. That I should only write if I have something worth saying and the time with which to say it poignantly.

Well, I no longer have the time or the energy, and evidently this has been the week where I have discovered that my expectations are unreasonably high.

Time has flown by. Simply flown.

There is so much I had "wanted" to do, so many tasks "to complete before the baby". And now I find myself just wanting to ponder her impending arrival. To sit and feel her move within me and imagine her little heels and bottom as they shove against me.

She is coming... and quite honestly, she doesn't need anything but Adam and I. So why is it that I want to have so much accomplished? Why am I fixating on the tiniest details? Why am I so concerned with remembering something after the fact?

These days are so precious. So limited. Why am I spending them consumed with fears? Has not the Lord promised to provide? Shouldn't I be living these days, these last days, in joyful expectation?

No, the nursery has not progressed... the walls have been painted and that is all. The to-do list remains incomplete. The books have not all been read. But my child, my sweet Beatrice, is growing beautifully. I have been granted good health by my heavenly Father. And I am surrounded by phenomenal support.

Rather than ponder all that has yet to be done, may I instead reflect on this quote by Mike Mason, author of "The Mystery of Children":

"A child is a revelation from God. Prophets receive visions, mystics ponder the ineffable, great preachers deliver God's word. but the greatest revelation comes through flesh and blood. Every child is fresh, unheard-of image of God, and children keep coming and coming because the world has not yet conceived of all the fullness of God's glory."

Amen and Amen!

A Letter from my Father

2010-08-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

My Daddy sent me this letter yesterday... I am posting it in hopes that it might encourage you today.

May you, my dear friends, be free to enjoy and love as Christ did.

I love you daddy. Thank you for being such a beautiful example of parenting to both Adam and I.

My Dearest Lauren,

As I was reading today's chapters in my 'reading through the Bible in a year' plan (remember when Mom used to do that?), I was assigned, among other chapters, I Samuel, Chapter 1.

I know you have referenced this story and these passages numerous times over the last few months and I imagine you have pondered them deeply in your heart as well. They speak of many things, don't they? That God really cares for us. That sometimes His answers are not 'No', but rather 'in My time, dear child'. That He really does delight in bringing us joy. That He truly hears our prayers...It's remarkable how the trajectory of life sometimes takes off in unexpected and strange directions. Even more astonishing (to me anyway) is how quickly it all seems to pass. 'Poof'- like Brigadoon - it vanishes. Just like that. Where did it go, I wonder?

God has been pleased to bless you and Adam, yet another time, with Beatrice. I think you know I couldn't be happier for you both! It's been a while to be sure, but I remember quite fondly the days of playing peek-a-boo and reading books and changing dirty diapers. Such thoughts bring me smiles...many of them. I look forward to reliving some of those moments with Beatrice.

And I also want you to know that I understand how bittersweet this is for you. I've told you at least once (I believe) how Mom was brought to tears at the sight of a young grandmother holding her grandbaby as she and I waited together in a lobby at Virginia Baptist Hospital. She knew, even though I was still believing for a miracle, that she was witnessing with her eyes one of the few blessings of life that would never be hers to enjoy. It truly broke her heart.

But because I knew your mother better than anybody else in the world, I knew exactly what she was thinking as the tears started to roll down her still beautiful but sadly taut and emaciated face. She sized things up quickly (as she was always able to do). Mom didn't take any more or less time then than she ever took when faced with a situation that was not to her liking. Disappointments to your mother, like most other things, were in short order run through her remarkably tight theological grid. Your mother, although imperfectly, truly attempted to allow her theology (how things REALLY are according to Scripture) to inform her actions and attitudes.

She cried as she watched the young grandmother caress and embrace her grandbaby. But she regained her composure. Not because she feared how she might look to the strangers and onlookers about, but rather because she already had processed her feelings - theologically. Some, and I sadly fear many, would say that people don't really do that. But they do, Lauren. And God's Word tells us to, as you well know. Your mother did it.

Mom believed that we didn't DESERVE anything, except that is, the condemnation that our sin and rebellion brought upon us. And so, even through her tears, even in the midst of her pain, she subordinated her emotions and feelings to the Sovereign Creator in whose presence she knew she would shortly be. For above all things she knew that she had been 'translated from darkness into the Kingdom of His marvelous light.' And measured against this unspeakable blessing, save being in His very presence herself, every other desire or want or hope or wish or expectation simply paled.

Regardless of what her culture insisted, irrespective of what her emotions and feelings were creating inside of her, despite what her Christian friends with poorer theological training might say...she KNEW that her God was good and that His goodness was not to be measured by (just) the pleasant and favorable things He brought to her. I know for a fact that being a grandmother (especially to your children!) would have been one of the supreme honors of her life. But I also know for a fact that she didn't feel as though she deserved it.

Thus, she was not left the option to pout, whine, whimper or throw a 'pity party'. To do so would have been an extreme display of ingratitude for her. For she knew that she had already, in fact, been handed the greatest blessing of all -- Christ in her, the hope of glory! She believed that the habit of presuming upon God's goodness would truly break the heart of her Lord who, through His death, had already made her a joint-heir of His kingdom! And so it was against the truthful statements found within the pages of Holy Writ that she decided to weigh all of her expectations and wants and desires and even the disappointments of this life. She knew her Bible well enough to know 'that the present sufferings of this world didn't compare to the glory of what was awaiting her.'

Furthermore, if her theology wouldn't allow her to feel sorry for herself, neither did it allow her to dwell on misfortune. To choose to linger too long on the questions of 'WHY?' (sin of commission) or to not earnestly enough seek to get beyond the providential ordering of our lives (sin of omission) is to imply of the One Who loves us supremely that He, in fact, must not. For if He did love us, we are tempted to ask, why would He allow such things to happen?

For your mother, such questions and attitudes were...well, yes...theologically inappropriate. Scripture taught her that her Heavenly Father is not arbitrary. NOTHING, she believed, could happen to her unless it was for her own good as well as His glory. She knew all too well that those who spend too much time asking 'WHY?' have that much less time and energy to look and watch and anticipate the good which He providentially ordained would spring forth. Or worse yet, preoccupation with one's own misfortune results in an inability to feel or notice or enter into our neighbor's pain.

Trusting God when things go as we would have them is a rather simple thing, don't you think? It's when things don't go our way that our character is tested and our understanding of God is heightened.

What your mother grasped so well, again according to Scripture, was that our peace and happiness is found neither in having what we want, nor getting what we think we deserve. Happiness and joy are found in obedience and trust. There is a marked difference between the two perspectives. For, as the Good Book states, 'His ways are not our ways'.

And then, of course, there is the 'flip side' of embracing good theology. And this, I think, is where Mom really benefited. Good theology begets good theology. If your mother truly believed that she didn't DESERVE anything good, then she was free to fully ENJOY everything. That was her secret, my dearest Lauren. Nobody knew that better than me.

I pray that you'll feel your mother's 'freedom' during the last eight weeks of your pregnancy. I pray also that you'll realize how to best honor her. I think she would tell you not to dwell on the fact that she won't be here (physically) with us and Beatrice, and to rather pray that God would use this experience to somehow give you a profound ability to see, feel and minister to the pain and hurt of your fellow man. I think she would say to focus on (and verbalize back to God) the innumerable blessings of your life and not on the profound but singular disappointment of not having her present. I think she would warn you that to many women who have never even known their real mother (or whose relationship with them was abusive) you might appear rather spoiled, self-absorbed and ungrateful. I think she would remind you to be sure to count your blessings in light of the millions of women whose lifelong dream of having a baby will never come true.

Your mother believed with every fiber of her being that God was not obligated to grant her anything good. And she embraced fully the sovereignty of God in all things. That was her secret to ENJOYing 'all things richly.' And it is something that she desperately wanted all of her children (and husband) to embrace.

Let's honor her, my dearest.

Daddy

The Arts and My Beatrice

2010-08-07T18:50:00.000-07:00

Because of my mother, I have a passion for the arts. Oh, I pray, Beatrice might share this same love.

Today I had the opportunity to watch 29 children perform in a production that I was blessed to choreograph. What joy it brought me to see their smiles as they created living art. For the past six weeks I have also been able to teach the beauty of ballet to 3 & 4 year olds. How splendid it was to see their eyes sparkle as they danced their own versions of famous ballets such as "Sleeping Beauty" and "Petrushka".

Our Lord is the ultimate creator, all we must do is look around to see the "performances" that surround us. The thunder of His storms, the songs of His birds, the light of His sunsets.

My husband and I share this artistic passion, and for that I am so fortunate. Beatrice, may you grow up surrounded by beauty! A most favorite quote of ours is by Jerram Barrs, and it reads:

"Our work in any field of the arts will be imitative. We will be thinking God's thoughts after Him—painting with His colors; speaking with His gift of language; exploring and expressing His sounds and harmonies; working with His creation in all its glory, diversity, and in-built inventiveness. In addition, we will find ourselves longing to make known the beauty of life as it once was in Paradise, the tragedy of its present marring, and the hope of our final redemption. All great art will contain this element of being an echo of Eden: Eden in its original glory, Eden that is lost to us, and Eden restored."

How appropriate this statement is after my earlier post this week. This world in which we live is tragically marred, and here I am, longing to know the beauty of what once was. May the art I create always lead back to Eden! Sweet Beatrice, may you long for the day when Eden is restored.

I need her...

2010-08-03T15:39:00.000-07:00

Here I am... with only 8 more weeks... and I need her. I need my mother so badly.

I am overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I don't feel ready. I don't know how to be a mother. I've never thought I'd fear this... but now, I do. I want to know that when Beatrice comes it won't matter if I don't know everything, because she'll show me and teach me... one little thing at a time. And I'll learn.

Oh, how I want her to hold Beatrice. How I want to see her joy as she rocks her to sleep. How I want to know that she'll be there for us both... when I don't know what to do.

But Beatrice will never know her. And she can't be here.

But I will tell my sweet daughter, oh, I will tell her stories. She will know how much her grandmother wanted to be here, how much she wanted to hold her. How beautiful she was, how gracefully she danced, how generously she loved, how eloquently she spoke.

I need her words.

Please forgive me, but I've taken the liberty of altering this beautiful poem by Anna Hempstead Branch by putting it in the past tense... for it has been soothing to my soul.

Her Words

by Anna Hempstead Branch

My mother had the prettiest tricks

Of words and words and words.

Her talk came out as smooth and sleek

As breasts of singing birds.

She shaped her speech all silver fine

Because she loved it so.

And her own eyes began to shine

To hear her stories grow.

And if she went to make a call

Or out to take a walk

We left our work when she returned

And ran to hear her talk.

We had not dreamed these things were so

Of sorrow and of mirth.

Her speech was as a thousand eyes

Through which we saw the earth.

God wove a web of loveliness,

Of clouds and stars and birds,

But made not any thing at all

So beautiful as words.

They shine around our simple earth

With golden shadowings,

And every common thing they touch

Is exquisite with wings.

There's nothing poor and nothing small

But is made fair with them.

They are the hands of living faith

That touch the garment's hem.

They are as fair as bloom or air,

They shine like any star,

And I am rich who learned from her

How beautiful they are.

A Joy"Full" Week (Part 1)

2010-07-31T06:38:00.000-07:00

Week 31 has been full of joy.

It began on Monday with the first week of "Willy Wonka Kids" at the Academy of Fine Arts. I have desired to choreograph a children's production for a long time now, and this has been the perfect opportunity. Although I may be pregnant and awkward, I have thoroughly enjoyed working alongside two dear friends and 30 wonderful children. I am excited to see the end result next Saturday.

Tuesday afternoon Adam and I drove over to Farmville, VA to the stupendous Greenfront Furniture. During my baby shower last Saturday Adam purchased the paint for the nursery, no it's not on the walls quite yet, but it is purchased! We had been waiting to select a chair fabric until our wall color was decided upon, only to discover that we had waited a little too long! After speaking to Greenfront on Monday we were told that a chair would take at least 10 weeks to be delivered. Well, our precious girl is due in 9, and while she could take 10 more weeks, Daddy really wanted to be able to have everything in order just in case she decides to come on time.

So Tuesday we went up full of prayer that the Lord would guide us to a peaceful decision and we would not be overwhelmed by the pressures of this world. We took swatches of the bedding, and a paint stick with her wall color, and a panel of her curtains and a shade from her chandelier. We probably looked like a crazy couple, but at least we were prepared!

We had such a beautiful time on our drive. Our Lord has been so gracious to allow us sweet moments together as husband and wife before we become a family of three. I truly treasure these times in my heart.

We arrived at Greenfront with an hour to make our decision. We went straight to the "Swivel-Glider" 4 Seasons Chairs, and Adam went to work immediately looking at swatches. Then low and behold, to our right we spotted a floor sample with blue and red stripes... could it be?

We laid the swatches out...

Praise the Lord. How gracious and generous He is. How He surprises us with gifts we are so undeserving of. May we learn from His example and show love to our daughter in similar ways.

We bargained slightly, since we were willing to drive it home that day, settled on a price, loaded it in the car, and were back on the road in 50 minutes. What a joy!

The chair is settled in the nursery, and every time I pass the door I practically shiver with expectation. Yesterday I sat in it for an hour and read books to Beatrice...

Adam's hope is to paint tomorrow afternoon... so hopefully their will be a "Room Transformation #2" post on Monday!

Here is an "unprofessional" sneak-peak...

Later tonight, after a fun filled day of celebration Ethan's 4th Birthday, I hope to write about our marvelous prenatal appointment on Wednesday, and my building excitement.

Much love and thankfulness to all of you.

Overwhelming Thankfulness

2010-07-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight, as I ponder all the blessings of today I would be remiss if I did not write of my thankfulness.

What a labor of love I was showered with today. My heart is filled to overflowing. I wish there were words to express this measure of gratitude.

At times I do not understand our Lord's sovereignty; but today I am resting in His gentle mercies. Why was my mother not here today to share in this joy among such beautiful women? Why must friends suffer? Why must hearts break? Of these things I am not sure, but I here, at this moment am sure that, "...the Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you." 2 Peter 3:9

He has fulfilled His promise, and I pray that I will always remember Hannah's prayer of rejoicing.“Oh, my lord! As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the Lord. For THIS CHILD I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him." 1 Samuel 1:26-27

Oh, Beatrice. you are so loved. So cherished. So anxiously awaited. Today women surrounded and uplifted you in prayer. You are not even here with us, and yet you are precious to so many. They prayed so tenderly over your mother and father asking for wisdom and patience. You received such beautiful gifts that I cannot wait to show you. What a wonderful time it was.

Dear friends, may God richly bless each one of you for all you did today. I cannot wait to post pictures of all your hard work and my, almost comical, faces of joy. As we unpack all of your generous gifts into her room over the next few weeks I know there will be even more tears.

Sleep well, all my friends, and may you, "dream of lovely things and wake to find them real."

The Fullness of Life & Room Transformation #1

2010-07-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

These past weeks have been full. Full of preparation of life to come and life of the moment. I cannot wait to share more of what the Lord has in store.

I have been blessed with beautiful friends that fill my life to overflowing. My precious Julie, Leslie and Emily who are hosting my first baby shower this coming weekend, (they simply have no idea how grateful I am to celebrate God's unfailing mercies with such special women.) My dear Mauresa and Jessica who are also lovingly ministering to my precious little one with a night of sweetness soon. Kristin, whom, together with her sister Jessica, I recently had the honor of throwing a shower for (pictures to come soon). And gentle souls like Kelley, Kelly, Whitney and Peggy who speak words of soothing balm to my broken soul in the perfect moments.

These women are gifts. May I never think otherwise.

I also have a husband who was gracious enough to extend a DC wedding trip into Sunday so that we can pick up some basics for our Bea's nursery at the Woodbridge IKEA.

My now 30-week-old daughter is growing and growing; constantly reminding me of her impending presence. I'm sure many of you mommies remember almost forgetting in the midst of preparations that at the end of this journey there will be a new life. What a miracle.

But the preparations still must be made.

So it is time to begin the Nursery Transformation. I am so eager to watch as the small details come together.

Painting and other small construction projects will prayerfully happen this weekend, so it is only appropriate for you to view the room as it looked prior to the 15 paint swatches.

This was our canvas...

The window seat is a favorite.

We found this piece months ago... so I'm including it as part of the "before".

Remember, Painting and Patience? Well, just for laughs, here is a peek at part of the learning experience. (This was even before two additional colors...) Please note that the above images were taken with Adam's camera... the images below, with mine.

Remember "Custard"? Ha!

We have yet to decide upon a color, but we are sure that we will...

I needed these verses today...

"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9

May your day be filled with fulfilled promises.

Third Trimester Thoughts

2010-07-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

Praise the Lord for His goodness! We, Beatrice and I, have arrived safely in the Third Trimester!

What a beautiful pregnancy it has been so far. I have learned so much already, that I simply cannot wait to see what motherhood has in store for me.

To document the beginning of my Third Trimester, my dear husband captured these simple photographs.

My precious girl, I cannot wait to meet you.

Painting and Patience...

2010-06-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

Remember the swatches from a few weeks ago? Well, they have turned into a learning experience.

Since so many of you voted for April Mist, Custard and Ballet Slipper Pink we got samples of all three. These were quite simply... a comical disaster. We decided that April Mist looked like Turquoise, Custard like Lemon Meringue, and Ballet Slipper Pink like Calamine Lotion... We laughed it off; thinking that the next day we would find samples of milder versions of the pink and blue.

Well... to make a long story short we now have 12 different colors on the wall; and while we are no further along in the decision process, I have learned a serious lesson in patience.

I've found in this season of expectation that it is quite tempting to be full of silly "expectations". Our culture would like me to believe that I "need" this and must accomplish A, B & C by the baby's arrival. But truly, does Beatrice "need" a nursery dressed to the nines? Do I "need" a boppy, a bumbo, a bouncer, and a bottle cleaner?

In these past weeks I found myself drifting away from the Spirit given joy that Beatrice has brought to our lives and wandering into a world full of anxiety and fear over that which "must" be done. Which is most likely the reason I haven't felt the motivation to write. The condition of my heart has been simply, yucky.

I so desire to return to a place where I am thoughtfully preparing for the arrival of my precious little one. Not only in the accumulation of things, but in the careful preparation of my heart. Where each addition to her nursery discovered at a yard sale is a cause for rejoicing, not a check mark on a to-do list. Where each day is savored for all that it is.

So dear friends, Bea may have a kaleidoscope of a nursery and the Barnes household may not have every "needed" baby item, but there WILL be joy, and joy abundantly!

I have been singing this song to my sweet girl recently, yet it has been more of a reminder to me, her mommy, of the infinite love my Savior holds for me. May it encourage your heart today.

A Montreal City Guide... Could this be a Sign?

2010-06-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

I subscribe to the ever amazing Design Sponge, and recently I discovered their detailed "City Guides".

Until today, however, I hadn't realized they also had a guide for Montreal... could this be confirmation of our destination?

I think I'm falling in love.

One Last Trip...

2010-06-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

I have been blessed beyond belief to be married to a man who adores travel as much as I do. In our few years of marriage we have seen some incredible sights and tasted spectacular food.

We have been advised by many a dear friend to embark on one last adventure before the arrival of our "bringer of joy". This is proving to be quite the challenge since we are in the thick of wedding season and we only have 16 more weeks till her due date!

I have found four locations, and I would love your thoughts. It might be the pregnancy, but my decisiveness has disappeared. I will place a poll on the side, but if you have any helpful thoughts please share.

Inn on the Square (Cape Cod)
www.inonthesquare.com

Portland Regency Hotel (Portland, Maine)

www.theregency.com

Le Saint Sulpice (Montreal, Canada)

www.lesaintsulpice.com

Hotel Place d'Armes (Montreal, Canada)

www.hotelplacedarmes.com

Her love of music...

2010-06-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

It shouldn't come as a surprise, but my precious little daughter adores music.

Yesterday evening we traveled to beautiful Staunton, Virginia with dear friends to see Babies, The Documentary. (I highly recommend it.) The majority of the film is absent of anything but the sound of the infants. Occasionally though, a well placed song caries you through a scene. My little Bea would come to life in these moments; dancing, rolling and kicking... it blessed my heart. Here is the trailer...

Another dear friend has recently introduced me to the music of JJ Heller. Many of you know by now that I hold a deep appreciation for lullabies, and JJ just happens to have written a beautifully scripted song that my sweet girl loves.

Beatrice, "may you dream of lovely things... and wake to find them real. The love of God is evident in the miracle of you."

Happy 23 Week Birthday, Little One. I love you.

Goodbye May, Hello Planning

2010-05-30T18:46:00.000-07:00

May is coming to an end tomorrow evening and I couldn't be more grateful. I am thankful every year for the lessons learned, but oh-so-glad to be through a month filled with painful memories.

As the month of May has passed, this pregnancy has continued to progress. I'll be 23 weeks on Tuesday, which means it's time to stop dreaming and start acting.

I am thrilled at the little details that are coming together, (I'll try to upload pictures soon), but I would love some assistance, once again, on some of the bigger items.

My little Bea's bedding is serving as the "design focal point". I have narrowed down my paint colors to the ones below, and I would love your vote on the poll to the side. Keep in mind that computer colors can be funny. I did choose these colors in the store, so don't worry. (If you click on the image, you'll get a much larger version.)

The pink is thrown in there due to the slight whispers of pink throughout the pattern. If you look closely you'll see the pink in the pig and the stripes in the carousel awning...

Since the Topsy Turvy fabric could become overwhelming, I'd like to keep the glider rather neutral. With your help I believe we've settled on the Yellow Fallon Rug... that is, unless we stumble upon something better in person. Now, I'd appreciate your assistance again in helping me decide upon the upholstery for the glider Baby Beatrice and I will spend many a night in. Again, there's a poll on the right.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your votes, thoughts, comments, messages and loving words. Having so many share in the joys and sorrows of this journey has brought me so much happiness.

Death, be not proud

2010-05-26T07:45:00.000-07:00


by John Donne

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee Mighty and dreadful, for thou are not so; For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me. From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be, Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow, And soonest our best men with thee do go, Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery. Thou'art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men, And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell, And poppy'or charms can make us sleep as well And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then? One short sleep past, we wake eternally, And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

My sweet mother asked for years that this poem be read at her memorial service. And so I did.

She would recite it to herself, (and to us), in the car, at the dinner table, while teaching, gardening, and so much more. We'd ask her to stop, saying it was unnecessary and frightening. Besides, we wouldn't need to know what to recite at her memorial service for years to come... how foolish we were.

What better words for her children to know? This is what she believed. Now I am able to see that she wanted us to understand that, to grasp it, to know.

So, Death, I say to you today, on this new and fresh morning, "be not proud" for you, "shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die!"

I sent this song to my mother during her battle.. today I sing it victoriously.

Beatrice, I pray that you too will know no fear of death. May you live triumphantly singing praises to the living God who rules by His word. Hallelujah!

I can't find the words.

2010-05-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

I can't find the words. I just sit here and stare straight ahead. This isn't how it should be.

I want to tell you that I am rejoicing today. That I am celebrating her 3rd year in heaven and that I... but I can't. I can't say much of anything.

I want my daughter to know her and it grieves me that she cannot. I want ask her advice on where to go for a vacation before Beatrice is born, but she isn't here to share. I want to show her the crib and the baby clothes and the highchair, but she's not here to see.

I'm so sorry. This is not what I wanted today's post to be. I wanted it to be full of thankfulness. I wanted you to know how grateful I am for my Savior's unending mercies. And I am, oh I am.

I want to know how our relationship would have evolved; every relationship does. I want to know if I would be planning a home birth if she was here, or if I would have resisted in my stubbornness. Who would I be?

I feel strange today. Almost numb. I cry, I don't. I want to go back - or should I say, I want her back. I don't want to go back to the woman I was before. I just want her to see the woman I am now. Am I all she hoped I would be? Have I grown? Will I be a good mother? Oh the haunting questions with no answers. There will never be answers.

This first song is what I truly wanted to post today, perhaps they say it better than I do. I'm sorry for my lack of words.

And maybe even more importantly, I want you to know that, even in the midst of this sadness, I will praise Him still. He is faithful. I trust that He treasures my tears and that His heart breaks for my pain. As this second song states, "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus."

These are a few of my favorite things...

2010-05-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

Cute wooden birdies and soft yellow teddies... these are a few of my favorite things!

Oh dear friends, thank you for rejoicing with me over the life of our sweet girl! I cannot tell you what a wonderful time I have had discovering little delights for our precious Beatrice. Here are a few of the items that make me smile.

(Bea's daddy bought her the little yellow skirt below as a surprise! All of the other joys are still on my wish list.)

While it's fun to dream about her playing with the xylophone, or watching that adorable mobile, I really must continue to develop her nursery.

Things are coming along... her Javis Davis bedding came in last week! What a joyous day that was, I felt like a little girl on Christmas morning. I will post pictures as soon as I am able.

Her crib was found second hand and her changing table was discovered downtown. Praise the Lord! We are still trying to locate the glider... at the moment I'm thinking textured, but the same "pistachio" blue as her sheets...

Today I stumbled upon these inspiring prints from Bee Lines Inspirations. Many of you have already taken to calling her "Bea", so I thought this was ever so clever, especially since she is our bringer of joy.

We'll have to wait for a few more details, but I'm pretty sure that this rug is going to win!

Thank you for sharing in this joy with me. I am forever grateful.

It's May, It's May...

2010-05-20T15:51:00.000-07:00

I knew May would be interesting. It always is.

All in one month we have our anniversary, my parent's anniversary, Mother's Day, mommy's earthly birthday, and then finally her heavenly birthday. Throw in the discovery of our precious Beatrice, reaching the halfway point of this pregnancy, and the beginning of full fledged wedding season and you have the makings of one eventful month.

As I write this I am sitting at a coffee shop in Corolla, NC while Adam photographs a wedding. I am blessed to have the company of our dear friend Chris, while his wife assists Adam through these few days.

Many thoughts and emotions have flown through me since our anniversary. I have never been so acutely aware of the presence and absence of life. Never so in-tune to a new life being knit in my womb and yet so conscience of the lack of my mother's presence. Never so expectant of that to come and regretful for that which has left.

In contrast as this pregnancy progresses I am discovering how many characteristics of my mother's graceful way of nurturing I am longing to emulate. I am finding myself engrossed in books she used to read, studying the same techniques she used, and wishing she was here to help. I feel so near to her heart, her passion, her pride, her children. I am understanding, in a way so many said I would, how dear to her I must have been. How precious. For the child in my womb, this beautiful baby girl, is already so loved, so cherished.

So, month of May, I will not be sad to see you go, but I am thankful for the lessons learned and the truths discovered.

Beatrice Elise - Behind the Name

2010-05-10T06:10:00.000-07:00

My sweet girl; I pray such things for you. May you be a "bringer of joy" to all you meet.

We have always adored the name Beatrice. Adam's grandmother bears the same name; and she has been most instrumental in his life, to honor her would bless us beyond measure. I also grew up reciting Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing with my dear friend, Brooke, and I have always admired the strength and poise of his Beatrice.

Then came the trials, the dark days and nights... upon realization that we were expecting we revisited names with a desire for them to reflect our true gratification to our Lord and Savior for his mercy. We have been through so much and this child, this gift has truly brought us joy.

As you might have read, the Lord drew me to 1 Samuel even before I knew of my pregnancy. Then after this miraculous discovery, I began to ask the Lord, as my mother had for each of her children, for a prayer for my child. I was again led to 1 Samuel. This child was given to God by his mother, and as a result grew up in a beautiful communing relationship with his Heavenly Father. In a time where the land was filled with darkness and not many were able to discern the Lord's voice - Samuel heard, and he followed.

The prayer that the Lord has given me for Beatrice is as follows: that she might be sensitive to her Savior's voice and that she would always know His calling on her life. That she might not aimlessly strive for worldly success, but go forth confidently, aware of the gifts she has been given and using them to serve and glorify her Lord. That her life would be her Father's and that they would share a tender and sweet love.

We have also wanted to acknowledge my dear mommy in some way in our daughter's name. The more we have pondered, the more it has been made clear, that we should select a name she chose for her own daughter. My middle name, Elise, she chose, and after re-reading its meaning, well, it's perfect.

The meaning of the name Beatrice is: Bringer Of Joy

The meaning of the name Elise is: Consecrated to God

So my, Beatrice Elise, may your life be a reflection of your name. We love you.

Here are a few photos Adam took to beautifully document 20 weeks of pregnancy.

Our Third Anniversary... Through Adam's Lens

2010-05-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am fortunate for many reasons to be married to my precious husband. He is a man earnestly seeking the heart of Christ, committed to growth in our marriage, he bears a tender and loving heart, he serves others as Christ would... and he is a true artist. There are times that I am awe struck at the simplistic beauty of the story he is able to tell through the lens of his camera.

So, dear ones, here is the complete story of our third anniversary as seen through my husband's skilled eye. No words - for you will experience the true emotion, I am sure.

Beatrice, may you know no day without beauty. I love you, my sweet girl.

May Fourth Two-Thousand and Ten - Baby Barnes Revealed

2010-05-04T21:45:00.000-07:00

This day, our anniversary, has been redeemed. And what a glorious day it has been. My husband said it best earlier this evening, "I wish we could repeat this day all over again." For those familiar with our story, this is a reason for rejoicing in and of itself!

We have spent the day reveling in dreams of our child and celebrating this new season with friends and family. We have been surrounded by an outpouring of love, and we acknowledge with full hearts that we are truly blessed.

I'll not hold you in suspense any longer, for I know the true reason most of you are reading this tonight. I'll write a more detailed story soon.

Here is the short & sweet version.

We arrived... full of expectation...

We thoroughly enjoyed every tiny moment of our hour long ultrasound, but most especially the words,

Words cannot express our excitement, for this precious, "bringer of joy". Again, I'll write more on the meaning and significance of this name soon.

After leaving the hospital we spent lunch with my family and the afternoon marveling at all that God had done.

To close this magnificent day we asked several dear friends to join us for a Cake & Coffee Celebration to reveal our secret.

Adam had previously prepared two handmade cakes, one pink - one blue, frosting the outsides white. We reveled our baby's gender by slicing into the "pink" cake and serving a piece for all to see.

The excitement was explosive!

We asked if everyone would join us for a photo outside, and they kindly obliged. I am in love with the excitement in every smile.

We might not have made it through the darkest of hours without the beautiful friends pictured above. So from the bottom of my heart I thank you. You have walked beside us when few would. We love you so.

These photos are just a small sampling of those captured today. We were so grateful to have a dear friend, (or two), around to take the ones above, but Adam has had his camera as well all day, so I'll share a more complete story with you later.

In closing I would love to share a verse that has been so dear to me, and which a precious friend framed for me tonight.

"Oh, my lord! As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the Lord. For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him."

1 Samuel 1:26-27

Praise the Lord for His redeeming power!

Something's Coming, Something Good, If I Can Wait...

2010-05-03T09:23:00.000-07:00

Oh, goodness! I might burst from expectation.

I am marveling in the words of the hymn Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, originally written in 1680 by Joachim Neander. Yet, how prevelant these words are to my heart today. Here is a recording by the Passion Worship Band, that is on repeat as I write this.

The second verse, my favorite, states:

Praise to the Lord, who over all things so wondrously reigneth,

Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!

Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been

Granted in what He ordaineth?

I want to scream, "Yes, yes, I see!" He has sustained and He has so gently granted our desire for this precious baby! Hallelujah!

And this final verse I just want to shout from the mountain tops:

Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him.

Tomorrow morning at 9am we will go in for our ultrasound. Up to this point we have not seen our baby, and the expectation is not unlike that of three years ago, as I anxiously awaited my marriage to my husband. I praise the Lord for him. Never would I have imagined the years that lay ahead. Never would I have asked for the pain and the trials, but in His sovereignty he has sustained us. He created the perfect mate for me, and for that I rejoice.

So, will we have a...

or a...

Oh, Lord, I pray only for a healthy baby. I pray that he or she would be sensitive to Your voice and obedient to Your call. May his or her life be filled with joy!

Here are some photos of my belly today at 18 & 1/2 weeks. I wanted to capture this day, the day before we knew anything more about this dear little one.

It has been such a joy to see your votes for boy or girl! The "poll" for Beatrice or Weston will close in the morning. Thank you for taking time to participate in our lives. We love you and thank the Lord for you.

The Nursery Has Begun...

2010-04-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Since we are expectantly awaiting the discovery of Baby Barnes gender, I cannot keep myself from beginning the planning process for his/her nursery. We are 99.9% sure of the crib bedding, regardless of gender. I stumbled upon this gorgeous combination from custom bedding and accessories designer, Javis Davi s, and I can't find anything else that so perfectly combines mommy and daddy's aesthetic with the whimsical nature of a nursery.

We are blessed with gorgeous hardwood floors throughout the upstairs, so a rug to warm the toes is a must. Here is where I would love your help today - I would like to decide on a rug before we move on to the wall color(s) and additional decor. I am stuck. Simply stuck. Here are some of my loves, my wonderings and thoughts... Would you take a moment to give us your "two cents" by choosing your favorite and making a selection, (or two), in the poll to the right?

Thank you for loving us. Thank you for celebrating with us in this season of expectation.

A Third Anniversary Present

2010-04-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

I confirmed with our midwife this morning that we will have our ultrasound on our third anniversary - Tuesday, May 4th, 2010!

I cannot begin to describe my excitement.

Our anniversary, May 4th, many would expect to be a most treasured day; yet instead it has held many mixed memories. While I rejoice that on that day I married "bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh" I cannot separate that joy from the memory of my precious mother being wheeled in right before the ceremony and wheeled out before the reception began, a mere fragment of her radiant self remaining.

Through counseling we have grieved that day. We have come to understand that perhaps it was not as much a celebration as it was a gift. A gift to a woman wholly deserving of that most spectacular day. Her one request of us before her death was to see us married; and praise the Lord in heaven that we were able to fulfill her dream.

All that said - each year as the day marks it's presence, we are conflicted as we try to celebrate. So this year, we have decided to make this day less about our wedding three years ago, and more about the fruit of our marriage, and the sovereignty of a merciful Father.

We hope to celebrate with close friends Tuesday evening. Marking the beginning of a new "Expectant" season of living. A season full of life, hope, and joy.

I stumbled upon the song to the right today as I was doing other things. It does a beautiful job describing the love for the growing baby inside me.

I've also put up a "poll" for your guess as to whether our baby is a boy or a girl! Enjoy.

Sweetness at Seventeen Weeks

2010-04-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

This is approximately what Baby Barnes looks like today!

What a joy it is to reach a new milestone every Friday... and how I have longed for joy.

This week has been filled with beginnings... the most exciting of which would be that Thursday evening as we were falling asleep Adam was able to feel our "bringer of joy" move inside of me! He had his hand on my ever growing stomach and while I knew that this was baby's magical hour, I highly doubted that he would be able to feel the little kicks and waves from the outside. Not two minutes later did our little one decide to start dancing! I giggled with pure delight, as Adam gasped and asked if it could be that he had felt the baby right, "here", pointing exactly where the baby had just moved. I couldn't believe it. What a miracle.

We have also fully entered Wedding Season. Praise the Lord for his faithfulness and provision. This brings with it many long hours for Adam and new struggles each season as we learn again how to find time together. Now with the little one on the way my hormones are making every day an exciting adventure. I pray I'll continue to learn what it means to "rest" in Him and His sovereignty.

I also received my Topsy Turvy swatches from Javis Davis for Baby Barnes' bedding and other items on Thursday! I cannot explain the joy I get from such projects... so I think there will be many additional posts simply on the nursery as it progresses.

Sixteen going on Seventeen

2010-04-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

This week has been filled with changes and growth; both physically and in life.

Physically: I believe I have officially, "popped", although I try to stay in snug fitting clothes so that it's obvious to those around me. I think I am beginning to feel my precious baby move inside of me! At first I felt flutters, then it began to feel as if a small fish were swimming around in my abdomen. Though it sounds strange, I wouldn't trade it for anything. At times I can imagine the baby doing somersaults. I think the baby responds to singing, particularly broadway, which might bring the bring the biggest smile to my face.

Living: This new season has brought with it a new longing for my mother. I have much enjoyed the book Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman; in which an entire chapter is devoted to when the daughter becomes a mother. She describes at length the natural tendency for a woman to become dependent upon two people during pregnancy; her mother and her husband. When her mother is absent, her husband is left with the burden of supporting the needs of his spouse. My heart breaks for Adam and all that weighs on him. This world is broken and I expectantly wait for the day all will be restored.

I am feeling wonderful and can definitely testify to a renewed energy in the 2nd Trimester.

...and the Lord remembered her.

2010-04-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

The Morning of January 22, 2010

On this day, God has tempered judgment with mercy.

It is the year of living hope, of change, of open arms. These are words spoken to me by dear friends, family and our heavenly father.

Since our hurried wedding and the subsequent death of my mother in May of 2007 Adam and I have wandered through many a wilderness, and I am sure there will be more, yet God has sustained us. We have been through dark depressions and struggled with the validity of our faith, yet He has sustained us. When it couldn’t get worse - it did, and He sustained us.

Roughly two years ago we began to try for the children we had both always desired. Month after month passed resulting in broken hearts and severed dreams. In Christ’s sovereignty we watched as our lives continued to unravel and we were able to praise Him for withholding from us until He so ordained.

As the year 2009 drew to a close I began to pray that it would also be the end to so much pain. It had been my personal year of grieving; as I walked side by side with a counselor through the death of my mother, morning each anniversary, each miserable holiday, and all the moments in-between. As I journeyed through these dark places, Adam struggled though many other trials on his own. I was more than ready to say goodbye to the grief and hello to the fullness of life I have been promised in my Savior.

As January dawned I was filled with a living hope I had never before experienced. I was drawn to the story in scripture of Hannah in 1st Samuel. I was struck by her pain and longing as she cried out to her Lord for a child; her grief was so immense that she was thought drunk and insane. I began putting my request before the Lord in a new and different way, inspired by the passion and fervency of Hannah.

…and the Lord remembered her. 1 Samuel 1:19

The start to my menstrual cycle began to draw near, and so did my gracious Lord. With each day of waiting my hope and trust grew. Then in the early hours of January 22nd I took a home pregnancy test. I had taken many before that had resulted in tears and sorrow, so after the recommended two minutes and the tiny digital words, “pregnant”, I felt the heavens exploding.

The tears and the joy were plentiful that day and the days that followed. We cried with dear friends and family who knew all too well that my precious mother is rejoicing with us in paradise.

I write this story to hopefully encourage the brokenhearted and share with you who do not know me well the graciousness of our living Savior Jesus Christ. The battles are not over. We are not through the wilderness, yet He has sustained us. To Him be the glory forever and ever. AMEN.